discipline

I haven't been to the post office since "the incident." I was that wild-eyed woman with a screaming child, slowly working my way up the line as one customer after another let me go ahead. Turns out my desperate attempts to comfort my kid were the result of a rookie error. The tantrum came from an oversight I made earlier that day: failing to notice the signals (eye-rubbing and crankiness) that he was tired. No wonder he had a meltdown.

I'm hardly alone in missing my child's cues, says Parents advisor Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. According to her, there are patterns to behavior. Kids do the same things when they're tired, hungry, or getting fed up; it's up to adults to take note and adjust accordingly. My son's moodiness should have told me to let him nap, then run errands when he was ready.

Ignoring a kid's signs is one of many discipline mistakes parents make all the time, but fixing them can make a huge difference in the parenting experience. We asked the experts to reveal the most common missteps.

We're too negative.

"Don't hit your sister!" "Stop pulling the dog's tail!" The number of things you tell your toddler or preschooler not to do is endless.

THE FIX Ask for the behavior you want to see. Nobody wants to raise a child who doesn't understand limits, but "parents say 'no' so frequently that kids become deaf to it -- and the word loses its power," Dr. Borba explains. Moreover, "we often tell kids not to do something without letting them know what they should be doing," notes Linda Sonna, Ph.D., author of The Everything Toddler Book. So save the naysaying for truly dangerous situations (think: fork in the electrical socket or your child eating the spider plant), and focus on telling kids how you would like them to behave. For example, instead of, "No standing in the bathtub!" try, "We sit down in the bathtub because it's slippery." Later, when you notice your kid splashing away in a seated position, offer some praise ("I like how you're sitting!") to reinforce her good behavior.

We expect too much from our kids.

You're sitting in church when your toddler shouts. As soon as you shush him, he does it again. Mortifying! Why doesn't he listen?

THE FIX Play teacher. Very young children still haven't developed impulse control or learned the social graces required in public places like stores and restaurants. "Parents assume kids know more than they do," Dr. Sonna says.

When your child breaks a norm, remind yourself that he isn't trying to be a pain -- he just doesn't know how to act in the situation, so snapping isn't effective (or fair). Focus on showing your child how you want him to behave, softly saying things like, "I'm being quiet because I'm in church, but if I need something from Dad I lean in close to whisper." Also point out what others are doing ("Look how Charlie is coloring while he waits for his meal to arrive"). Kids are born mimics, so modeling or drawing attention to something we want them to do goes a long way.

"It takes time and repetition for kids to learn to handle themselves," Dr. Sonna says, which means you should expect to give your kid a lot of reminders -- and remove him when he doesn't get the message. Over time, he'll learn how to act.

We model behavior we don't want to see.

When you drop something, you yell. A man cuts you off and you call him a rude name. But then you get mad if your kid reacts the same way when things don't go her way.

THE FIX Apologize and take a do-over. There's a boomerang effect to behavior: If we yell, our kids probably will too, says Devra Renner, coauthor of Mommy Guilt. Yes, it's hard to be on perfect behavior around the clock, so apologize when you do slip up. "Emotions are powerful and difficult to control, even for grown-ups," Renner notes, but saying "sorry" demonstrates that we're accountable for our actions nonetheless.

It also creates the chance to talk about why you reacted the way you did and offers appropriate ways to respond when you're feeling frustrated. That's what Deena Blumenfeld, of Pittsburgh, did when her son Owen, 5, protested so much about getting dressed that she snapped, "Just shut up and get dressed!" Realizing this was not how she'd want her son to react in a similar situation, she knelt down, apologized, then talked about how important it is to be on time for school. It worked: Owen got ready for school calmly after that.

We intervene when our kids simply annoy us.

You hear your children chasing each other around the house and immediately shout.

THE FIX Ignore selectively. Often, parents feel the need to step in every time kids do something, well, kid-like. But always being the bad guy is exhausting, Dr. Borba notes. Keep in mind that children sometimes do things that are irksome because they're exploring new skills. (So your toddler could be dumping juice into his cereal because he's learning about liquids.) Other times, they're seeking attention. When it comes to reacting, Dr. Borba's rule of thumb is: When safety isn't an issue, try watchful waiting. If your 6-year-old is playing his recorder with his nose, try not to shout. See what happens if you just continue with what you're doing as if nothing is happening. Most likely, if you don't respond, he will eventually stop -- and you'll feel calmer, having avoided a shouting match.

We're all talk and no action.

"Turn off the TV... I'm serious this time... Really!" Your kids continue bad behavior when warnings are vague for the same reason you run yellow lights -- there aren't consequences.

THE FIX Set limits and follow through. Nagging, second chances, and negotiation all convey that cooperation is optional, says Robert MacKenzie, Ph.D., author of Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child. To teach kids to follow rules, make expectations clear, then take action when they're broken. If you want your kid to, say, get off the couch and do homework, start with respectful directives ("Please turn off the TV now and do your work"). If she follows through, thank her. If not, give a consequence: "I'm turning off the TV now. Until your work is finished, your TV privileges are suspended."

We use time-out ineffectively.

When you send your 3-year-old to his room after he hits his brother, he starts banging his head on the floor in rage.

THE FIX Consider a time-in. A time-out is meant to be a chance for a child to calm down, not a punishment. Some kids respond well to the suggestion that they go to a quiet room until they're chill. But others view it as a rejection, and it riles them up. Plus, it doesn't teach kids how you want them to behave. As an alternative, Dr. Sonna suggests taking a "time-in," where you sit quietly with your kid. If he's very upset, hold him to get him settled down, Dr. Sonna adds. Once he's relaxed, calmly explain why the behavior wasn't okay. Too angry to comfort him? Put yourself in time-out; once you've relaxed, discuss what you would like your child to do differently. You might start by saying: "What can you do instead of hitting when Milo grabs your train?"

We assume what works for one kid will work for another.

The best way to deal with your son's whining is to get down at eye level and explain how his actions need to change. But your daughter is more aggressive and refuses to listen.

THE FIX Develop a diverse toolbox. It's easy to blame your kid when a discipline technique fails. But "you may have to go about getting the behavior you want in different ways with each kid," notes Avivia Pflock, coauthor of Mommy Guilt. While one might respond to a verbal reminder about what is acceptable, the other might need a consequence when she acts up -- like having her Wii unplugged. Being firm with one child and touchy-feely with another isn't being inconsistent; it's tuning in to different needs and learning styles, Pflock assures. "The punishment should fit the crime -- and the kid."

Originally published in the August 2011 issue of Parents magazine.

7 discipline mistakes all moms make

Forgiveness isn't always helpful

This is a great segment on forgiveness and when to just call it a day.
NPR Forgiveness isn't all it's cracked up to be

When praising backfires

The Curse of Praise

I thought this was a great article. It is something that we are taught to practice in classrooms and now it is time to transition that into the home. I think it's a great read.

By Amy Hackworth. Image by Pewari.

“You’re so smart!” “You’re such a good girl!” “Wow, you’re amazing!”

If we say these things to our children, it’s always with the best intentions. But ohhh, our good intentions and their unintended consequences.

Psychologist Carol Dweck and her colleagues recently published research that documents the effects of person praise — things like “you’re smart, great, amazing” — and how we’re not doing our children much of a favor by touting their overall awesomeness.

When compared to children who receive process praise­­ — praise for their actions or efforts — children who receive person praise are less likely to engage in and prefer challenge as they grow older.

“’You’re great, you’re amazing’ — that is not helpful,” Dweck said. “Because later on, when they don’t get it right or don’t do it perfectly, they’ll think they aren’t so great or amazing.” 

And if they aren’t great or amazing anymore, the alternative looks pretty bleak. Children who believe their awesomeness depends on continual awesomeness find little room for mistakes, and risks become particularly dangerous. With the weight of a label — amazing, smart, awesome — to manage, children are less likely to focus on the success or value of their efforts, or to engage in challenging work that could jeopardize that label.

A related study (links to a PDF) suggests that rather than praise intelligence, educators “wax enthusiastic about students’ strategies” with sincere, specific and deserved praise. While all of this research fascinates me, this might be the most compelling finding, and one of the greatest gifts we can give our children: when we focus on strategies — children’s hard work, creative thinking, problem solving and effort — rather than their general brilliance, children learn to see intelligence as something they control, and they develop a belief in their power over other behaviors, too.

So of course I still believe that my kids are particularly smart, terribly clever, and all-around beautiful, but I’ll be much more careful about how I share it with them.

Will this research change how you talk to your kids, or do you already wax enthusiastic about your children’s strategies? As a child, were you person-praised or process-praised? As a parent, which comes more naturally to you?

P.S. I highly recommend reading the PDF detailing another of Carol Dweck’s studies of praise and performance in 5th graders. Kids who were praised for their intelligence on an easy puzzle challenge later performed poorly on a more difficult challenge, while kids who were praised for their hard work on the initial challenge performed better on the difficult challenge and reported enjoying it. And there’s so much more! It’s a fascinating read.

http://www.designmom.com/2013/02/the-curse-of-praise/

3 things you should never do for your child

Good advice for the future....

As parents, we only want the best for our children. But sometimes our judgment is clouded, and our actions can actually impede our kids' progress. By nature, we want to see our children succeed, even if it means giving them a gentle nudge. Unfortunately for some parents, that nudge often turns into a huge push, and before we know it, we're actually doing things for our children that they should be doing for themselves.

Admit it. We've all been there. You see that sweet little face struggling to tie his shoe, write a Pulitzer-worthy paragraph or even make his bed. When you sense his frustration, your maternal instinct kicks into high gear, and the next thing you know, you're doing the deed for him. Your intentions may be good, but the end results are not.
You've essentially become the dreaded helicopter parent, a mom or dad who gives eagle-eye attention to every aspect of the child's life. From report cards to recreational activities, you're the gatekeeper of your child's affairs. You exact precise oversight in everything he does do to ensure that there is nothing holding him back.

The term "helicopter parent" was actually coined in the 1990 self-help guide Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility. It's frequently used to describe those parents who sweep in to rescue their children from the perils of higher education. For some, it's hard to believe that parents would actually appeal to a college professor on behalf of their young adult offspring, but it shouldn't come as much of a surprise.
This trend begins long before teens ever don their cap and gown and head off to college. It's a behavior that we as adults begin even in the earliest stages of parenting. However, helicopter parenting can have some serious implications on our children. While it might seem like we are doing our children a favor at the time, that couldn't be further from the truth. What we're essentially creating are children who are reliant on us for everything.

Parenting expert and educational psychologist Michele Borba addresses the trend of helicopter parenting on her personal Web site, www.micheleborba.com. On her blog, the author of No More Misbehavin' and Don't Give Me That Attitude points out that children will continue to sink if you don't teach them to swim. Dr. Borba writes, "Look down the road at the big picture. If you keep on with any hovering behavior now, how will your kids turn out later? Every once in a while, we need to fast forward your parenting and think ahead.

"It just may help that you alter you current response with your kids. And here's a big reason why: Researchers are seeing this phenomenon of "parental hovering" (aka micro-managing, overparenting or helicoptering) as a dangerous trend when it comes to how our kids turn out. The long and the short is: If we keep the hovering we'll rob our kids of an essential trait for L.I.F.E. called self-reliance!"
And Dr. Borba is definitely onto something. The ramifications of helicopter parenting are far reaching. Take a recent poll conducted by Harris Interactive for the National Endowment for Financial Education. It showed that 40 percent of American adults aged 18-39 reside at home or have done so in the recent past. That figure also excludes students.Even more disturbing is the fact that 26 percent of parents with adult children living at home have incurred their own debt to support these adult children, with 7 percent delaying retirement.
While it may seem like a giant leap to take, the point is it's never too early to teach your children to be independent. You want your children to be able to stand on their own two feet so they can make the transition from impressionable children to responsible adults.



Here are three things you should never do for your children:
1. Homework - How many times have you watched parents do their children's homework for them? One minute you're shaking your head in disgust and the next minute you're holding a #2 pencil in your hand writing an essay on the French revolution. Face it. It's easy to get sucked in by your child.
Those frustrating cries of "I can't do it!" can weaken even the most steadfast parent. Sometimes it seems far easier just to do the work for your child. But before you give in, stop, look and listen hard. Your child first should attempt to the work on his own.
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If he is genuinely confused about the subject at hand, take a moment to look over the questions. Ask your child what he thinks the questions mean. If possible, show examples of how to solve the problem. Avoid doing the actual problem for your child. Once you feel like he has a grasp on the subject matter, send him back to his desk to finish the work.

Do not sit over him while he is doing his homework, as he will be inclined to ask for further assistance repeatedly. After all of the work is completed, glance over the assignment for any glaring errors. When you find mistakes, have your child redo the problems until they are correct. While it's fine to show examples, brainstorm and encourage, do not -- and we repeat -- do not do the work for him. Doing reports, projects and homework independently will actually increase your child's self-confidence and self esteem. Nothing compares to the sense of accomplishment your child will have knowing that he earned that "A" on his own.
2. Speak for them - It's far too easy to put words in your child's mouth. Children are works in progress. As they get older, they come into their own.However, being a child can often be intimidating. Children are often insecure and, at times, unable to properly express themselves. In many cases, he may expect you to be his spokesperson.Whether it's asking a neighborhood child to play or requesting a cup of water at a restaurant, always encourage your child to use his voice.

It might be just as easy for you to do your child's bidding, but how will he ever gain self- confidence if he never has to speak for himself? Oftentimes, we feel compelled to speak on our child's behalf. For example, in school your child might have issues with a fellow student. If the situation puts your child in danger, it's understandable that you would get involved. However, if things haven't escalated, encourage your child to work things out on his own. It's fine to make suggestions of things he might say to smooth things over and resolve the conflict. However, try not to take things into your own hands unless it's an absolute necessity.
Keep this important rule of thumb in mind when you are also among a group of people. When your child is asked a question, it might be instinctive to respond for him. Don't. Give your child a chance to speak for himself. Over time, you will notice him becoming more and more confident in the way he expresses himself. Remember, practice makes perfect.
3. Choose their friends - This one is a real doozy. It's only natural to want to pick your child's friends - whether it's the sweet little boy from Sunday school or that adorable girl from the playground. In your mind, you think you know what - and who - is best for your child. And you probably do. But this is one of those lessons your child needs to learn on his own. While you will probably be responsible for fostering many of their friendships through play dates in the early years, your child will be more and more inclined to choose his own pals as he gets older. This is one of those cases when you should go with the flow.

Just because you might be friends with someone doesn't necessarily mean your child when be friends with that person's child. First and foremost, don't force it. Your child will only resent you in the end if you make him spend time with someone he doesn't particularly care for. There's nothing wrong with introducing him to new faces. However, let him take the lead when it comes to building lasting friendships.
At the same time, you still have a responsibility to ensure that your child is playing with kids who have similar values. In other words, you probably want to prevent your children from hanging out with kids who swear, steal, misbehave and have other habits you don't want your own child picking up. Always be aware of who your child is hanging around.
At the end of the day, what you don't do for your children is every bit as important as what you do. Sometimes a more hands-off approach actually will benefit your child.

http://www.mydailymoment.com/moms/parenting/3_things_you_should_never_do_for_your_kids.php?utm_source=DHTMLoutbrainmoms&utm_medium=outbrain&utm_term=&utm_content=&utm_campaign=MOMSoutbrain

Tips for successful potty training

Rosie to the Rescue: “My Tips for Successful Potty Training”

January 17, 2013 at 4:45 pm , by GoodyBlog

Check out blog posts by Rosie Pope, star of Bravo’s “Pregnant in Heels,” every week at Parents.com! 

With New Year’s resolutions made, perhaps even broken and re-made, you might be thinking about some for your kids. Perhaps one is that milestone of all milestones: to potty train!

Before you start to fret that your little girl or boy will never get there, just ask yourself: Have you ever seen someone walk down the aisle, wedding dress or tux-clad, in a diaper? The point is, your wee one will eventually be potty trained and while you can push him (or her) to do it early, it is far better and easier to wait until he’s ready. And, I promise, it will happen way before he gets married!

In order to tell whether your wee one is ready, check for these signs:

*Able to pull pants up and down
*Tells you when he has a dirty diaper, and has words for pee and poop.
*Can sit quietly for 2-5 minutes–and therefore has a chance of staying on the potty long enough
*Shows interest in the bathroom
*Able to follow basic directions
*Is in the age range of 18 months to 3 1/2 years old
*There are no other big changes happening for your child, like starting school, recovering from illness, moving into a toddler bed, etc.

If you think your child is ready then you also have to make sure you’re ready. So:

*Are you able to be at home for two full days?
*Is there anything else going on that will make it hard for you to focus on this and be positive and upbeat? It can take a lot of patience.

If you are feeling like now is the time and all these items are checked, then I say go for it, making sure to keep an incredibly proud and positive attitude and never letting your wee one feel disappointed or embarrassed if he has an accident.

These pointers should help you reach your goal:

*Watch some potty-related DVDs, or read some bathroom related stories.
*Make sure to push modesty aside and show your child how the whole process works. Make a point of buying “big-kid” underwear as something really special.
*Consider a sticker chart and reward system, although many children will feel rewarded in the success of being able to use the toilet independently. However, if a little extra incentive is needed, that’s okay too.
*Make sure you return to the potty every 30 to 60 minutes for those first two days until your child gets the hang of it.
*When potty training, tackle daytime dryness first, and use pull-ups at night.
*If your child isn’t sure where to stand or sit, you can buy a special potty or training seat. For boys, draw around their feet on a box by the toilet, so they know where to stand.
*Make sure to always go with your child to the bathroom, and keep the atmosphere relaxed.

With all these tools you’ll be sure to get there and before you know it, you’ll hear the sound of the flush and you’ll realize your little one just went to the potty and didn’t even tell you! I cried the first time this happened. I know: totally crazy, but it made me feel like the next step was college. I was getting a little ahead of myself….

Emotional Development

Emotional Rescue: Activities for Emotional Development

Do your child's moods swing wildly from minute to minute? We've got ways to help smooth the ups and downs.

By Jeannette Moninger Photographs by Tina Rupp from Parents Magazine

Living with a preschooler can be like riding an emotional roller coaster. Your child is happy to be playing with his favorite toy, then angry that his big brother grabbed it away, and then sad that the toy is broken. In the span of a few minutes, he's gone from giggles to rage to tears, and the drama has probably left you drained too.

Why do young kids tend to have such extreme mood swings? It's not because they feel things more deeply than adults do. "Toddlers and preschoolers simply haven't learned to express their emotions in socially acceptable ways, so they have a tendency to spiral out of control very quickly," says Linda Acredolo, Ph.D., coauthor of Baby Hearts: A Guide to Giving Your Child an Emotional Head Start.

Your child's emotional development begins right from birth. Studies show that newborns are capable of feeling distress and contentment, and that a child can display joy, sadness, anger, and fear by his firstbirthday. Jealousy and guilt kick in around age 2. Coping skills, however, generally don't come along as early or as easily.

That's where you come in. As a parent, it's your job to help your child recognize what he's feeling anddeal with it appropriately. According to research by John Gottman, Ph.D., coauthor of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, coaching a kid to label his emotions actually calms his nervous system, which translates into fewer meltdowns. The long-term payoff is even greater: Studies show that kids who can manage their feelings get along better with their peers, excel in school, and are less likely to behave defiantly or aggressively. Our guide will help your child learn how to handle his powerful emotions -- and provide exercises you can work on together.

Defusing Anger

Anger is an especially tough emotion for your child to manage because it causes a surge of adrenaline that makes his heart race and triggers the impulse to lash out. Curbing an inappropriate response, such as hitting or biting, takes continual reinforcement with these six steps: 1. Verbalize for your child why he's upset ("You're mad because Zach got marker on your giraffe"). 2. Validate his feelings ("I'd be upset, too, if that happened to my stuff"). 3. Explain that hitting (or kicking or biting) isn't a suitable way to deal with his rage. 4. Ask how he thinks his actions made the other person feel. 5. Enforce a consequence (such as a time-out or a loss of privileges). 6. Have an older child apologize once he's cooled down.

Although punching a pillow or stomping his feet may seem like a reasonable way for your child to blow off steam, a study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin suggests these outlets actually do the opposite. "They get a child revved up even more," says Matthew Hertenstein, Ph.D., lead researcher at the Touch and Emotion Lab at DePauw University, in Greencastle, Indiana. A better way to get the angries out is for him to do some nonaggressive activities (such as jumping jacks) for a while to release his negative energy.

Try This! At bedtime on the day of an anger episode, have your child lie on his back, close his eyes, place his hands on his tummy, and complete this exercise (explain that it will help him relax so he'll fall asleep faster): As he inhales, tell him to picture a balloon filling up with air. Ask him to hold his breath for several seconds and then slowly breathe out so the balloon gets little again. Then, the next time he's angry you can suggest that he place his hands on his stomach and picture blowing up a balloon and letting out the air as he takes deep breaths to calm down.

Facing Fear

All sorts of things can frighten a young child, ranging from dogs to starting preschool to the vacuum cleaner that sounds like it might swallow her up whole. Three-year-old Isabelle Ondrak, for example, has a serious problem with bugs. "She screams at the mere sight of any flying insect," says her mom, Cathy, from Denver.

Experts say it's important to take such fears seriously because they're very real to your child. "Saying, 'Don't be silly. This bug isn't going to hurt you,' doesn't validate her suffering," says Dr. Gottman. Instead, focus on easing her anxiety. You might point out the similarities between bees (ouch!) and butterflies (beautiful) -- they both fly, help flowers grow, and are colorful. You can also try a "show and tell" approach. For instance, show her that a vacuum can't even suck up a small tissue box, or explain to her why dogs bark so loudly ("That's just how they talk").

Try This! Preschoolers are far less likely to be afraid of something if they are able to picture it in a playful, nonthreatening light, according to a study published in Child Development. With that in mind, you can have your child draw a picture of the neighbor's scary dog, and then add long eyelashes, pink polka dots, freckles, and other silly things to make it seem less intimidating. Once the masterpiece is finished, give it a title (such as "Don the Dopey Dog") and have a good laugh. The next time she's frightened, tell her to remember the drawing and suggest a reassuring mantra ("Don the Dopey Dog won't hurt me").

Taming Jealousy

Envy is a natural emotion in toddlers and preschoolers, but don't expect your child to realize that's what he's feeling. He's more likely to say he's "mad" or "frustrated" that his baby brother gets so much attention or that his friend has his own room while he has to share one. While it's obvious to you that he's jealous, making him feel better isn't quite so simple. You can begin by acknowledging the way he's feeling ("I know you wish you had your own room like Ben, and that makes you a little jealous of him"). Then offer some suggestions for easing his envy. You might try partitioning your kids' bedroom so that he has a dedicated space or establishing specific times when he gets to use it by himself. If he's jealous of your newborn, explain thatinfants can't do things for themselves like big boys can. Then set aside a regular window of time to spend alone with him -- and do your best to avoid breaking your date, so he knows he still comes first.

Try This! In a quiet moment, make a list together of all the things he has to be thankful for (friends, a nice house, a family that loves him, food to eat, etc.). Read them back whenever his jealous feelings return. Reinforce the idea by having him box up clothing and toys that he's outgrown and donating them to a local shelter. Explain that some kids don't have games to play with, clothes that fit, or even a place to call home.

Letting Go of Guilt

By age 3 or 4, your child is developing a conscience. Even if no one witnesses her doing something wrong, she'll probably feel bad about it. When Leigh Face, of Hagerstown, Maryland, found a puzzle box stuck to the windowsill, her 4-year-old daughter, Natalie, claimed she didn't know what had happened. But the next day, Natalie suddenly burst into tears. "It turns out she had spilled milk and covered it up with the box," says Face. "She felt awful about it."

In this case, crying over spilled milk was a good thing; it meant that Natalie had developed a sense of right and wrong. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that young kids who felt guilty when they misbehaved were better able to control their conduct as grade-schoolers. "Being remorseful lets a child reflect on the consequences of her action, which makes her less inclined to do it again," says Rahil Briggs, Psy.D., a child psychologist and director of the Healthy Steps program at the Montefiore Medical Center, in Bronx, New York.

You can help your child work through her guilt by defining it ("You feel bad about not telling me what happened"), explaining why it was the wrong thing to do ("You should always tell the truth"), suggesting a better path for the future ("Next time, let me know right away when you spill something so it'll be easier to clean it up"), and making amends ("Now let's work on removing it together").

Try This! Books that have a moral message, such as The Berenstain Bears and the Truth, can start a conversation about honesty and guilt. While you're reading, stop and ask your child questions, such as, "What would you do if you were in Brother and Sister Bear's situation?" or "How do you think they felt when they lied?"

Soothing Sadness

A preschooler's life has its fair share of bummers, such as when her playdate gets canceled or she gets in trouble for talking during circle time. A young child's sorrow often fades quickly, but sometimes it lingers. When 4-year-old Faith Wiggins lost her new ring at preschool, she was heartbroken. "Weeks later, she still tears up about it every now and then," says her mom, Paula, of Greencastle, Indiana.

When your child's feeling blue, don't just try to distract her. Instead, tell her about a time when you felt sad as a child ("I once lost my teddy bear, and I couldn't stop crying"). Hold her hand, give her a hug, and let her know it's okay to be down sometimes. Then come up with ideas for lifting her spirits, such as playing dress-up with some of her other play jewelry.

Try This! At the dinner table, share an event that made you happy and one that made you sad that day. Then ask your child to do the same thing (young kids may need some prompting to recall specific events and express themselves). This will help her learn to identify these emotions and realize that she experiences the same types of feelings that other people do -- which is the first critical step in helping her figure out how to control them.

More Than Moody

It's typical for a young child to have strong feelings. But if she seems down in the dumps most of the time or swings quickly between sadness and elation, she could have a mood disorder. Harold Koplewicz, M.D., a Parents advisor and director of the Child Mind Institute, in New York City, suggests seeing a mental-health specialist if your child displays one or more of these signs on a daily basis for at least two weeks.

• Frequent complaints about vague physical ailments ("Mommy, I have a headache")
• Severe irritability, aggression, or defiance, often accompanied by shouting or temper tantrums
• Intense fear about the future, illness, or death
• A loss of interest in playing with friends and doing fun activities (like going to a birthday party)
• Regression (such as wetting the bed or soiling her underwear long after she's been toilet trained)
• Sudden difficulty falling or staying asleep

Originally published in the August 2012 issue of Parents magazine.