teaching kids to learn from failure

No one wants their kids experience failure, but it's one of the most important life lessons you can teach them. Here's why, and how to teach failure gracefully

By Deborah Skolnik

You've coddled, cuddled, and cooed. Now it's time to let your kid get his first hard knocks—here's why it's actually the kindest thing you can do.

What's the F word you're always shielding your child from?Well…OK, yeah, that one, for starters. (And boy, you came up with it quickly—how much Jersey Shore do you watch, anyway?) But actually, we're thinking of a different F word right now: “failure.” Because what's more important than protecting your little one from situations in which he feels he doesn't measure up?

Turns out there is something more important—and that's to go ahead and let him experience a letdown or two. Yes, believe it or not, a little bit of defeat can be a stepping-stone to triumph. “Think of the things you learn when you encounter and move beyond failure,” observes child psychologist Rahil Briggs, Psy.D., director of the Healthy Steps program at the Children's Hospital at Montefiore in the Bronx, NY. “You learn how to tolerate frustration, how to get creative and take different approaches to tasks, and also how to ask for help—all things that are necessary for long-term success in life.”

If that's true, why do so many of us try to eliminate failure from our kids' adventures? Ashley Merryman, coauthor of NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, says it's because we have the mistaken idea “that children are very fragile and that any bad outcome they experience, no matter how big or small, could damage their developing self-esteem.” But, she adds, “science has proven that it's just not true. Achievement builds self-esteem, not the other way around.” The takeaway: Bring on the fallen block towers and food spills! The scenarios that follow are ones you're sure to come up against. Here's how to handle them with aplomb when you do.

Fed Up

You've got a toddler? Oh yeah, Mama, you're gonna have some feeding fails, like the ones that sometimes happen at Goldina Erowele's house. “My husband and I will gather around our table with our eight-year-old twin girls and our two-year-old, Chizara, for a breakfast of oatmeal,” says Erowele, of Missouri City, TX. But Chizara can sometimes find the meal, well, grueling: “She gets frustrated with trying to scoop her oatmeal. She'll aim for her mouth, but then she'll fumble and it will go all over her,” Erowele says.

From hot mess to success: “My husband is a softie, and he'll try to help the baby,” Erowele says. “But I'm not as fast to rescue her. I say, ‘It's OK, Chizara! You can do it! Try again!’ I noticed that just this past Saturday, she had a little bit more confidence.”

Extra tips from the experts: By being a cheerleader—not a feeder—Erowele's on the right track, says Robert Epstein, Ph.D., a research psychologist who's studied success and failure extensively. “You want to be supportive without rushing to do everything for her, since this is a task she can only learn through trial and error.” Of course, you don't want your child to go hungry either, adds Renée Leff, an Encino, CA—based marriage and family therapist who specializes in infant-child mental health. “If she really isn't getting much into her mouth, and is becoming very distressed after a few minutes of trying, it's time to help her guide the spoon or to switch to another food like dried cereal that she can pick up with her fingers,” she says.

No matter what, expect a mess. Don't fuss over the splashes and splatters: “Your child will absorb your expectations [if not the oatmeal],” Leff warns. Keep encouraging her, and eventually she'll feed herself flawlessly—or at least as well as your Great-Uncle Sydney.

Big Sibs, Big Inferiority Complex

Nico Botticelli of San Diego is 2 years old, but wants to do all the same things as his 4-year-old brothers, Gabriel and Reese. “He'll try to climb on their bikes, then he's sad because he can't reach the pedals. Or do a puzzle with them, but can't make the pieces fit. When he realizes he can't keep up, sometimes he'll cry and stomp his feet and shout ‘I DO IT!’” says his mom, Laureen.

From hot mess to success: Botticelli does her best to provide toddler versions of things the big bros like—say, a ride-on toy for Nico to enjoy while Gabriel and Reese are biking. She'll also sometimes adjust their schedule so he won't feel as overwhelmed: “I'll say to his brothers, ‘OK, guys, let's do something that all of us like till Nico's nap,’” she says. She also makes a point of letting Nico practice puzzles and other skills while his sibs are in preschool: “Sometimes it's easier for him to try when they're not around,” Botticelli says. “Sometimes they'll say ‘You're too little to do this!’ and then he gets discouraged.”

Extra tips from the experts: It's smart of Botticelli to give Nico opportunities to attempt new stuff without his big brothers refereeing. “Older siblings will sometimes assume a parentlike role, telling the younger child what he can or can't do, or doing it for him. When that happens, it's fine to say ‘I'm the mom, let me handle this,’” says Briggs.

When Botticelli makes mistakes of her own, she can model how to handle them in stride, too (“Oops, I just dropped my ice cream cone!”). “The key is to normalize failure so your child knows he's not the only one who doesn't get things right on the first try,” Epstein says.

Less Than Letter-Perfect

Madeline O'Malley, 4, of Rockaway, NJ, knows all about failure, from A to Z. Actually, one letter is getting her down. “They're practicing writing in preschool, but Maddie can't make an ‘X,’” says her mom, Cate. “Her lines are wiggly or won't cross properly. Maddie gets really worked up.”

From hot mess to success: O'Malley reminds Maddie how far she's come. “I tell her ‘Just think, last year you couldn't write your whole name, and now you can. Give it a little more time and I am sure you will be able to make an X, too!” O'Malley has also drawn an X and put a piece of tracing paper on top of it to give Maddie a template.

“Show your child that he's not the only one who doesn't get things right on the first try.”

Extra tips from the experts: Maddie's mom is doing a super job of boosting her confidence, Leff says. What would also help, she adds, “is to simply tell her ‘You know what? That might be too hard or you right now, honey,’” she says. If Maddie still wants to practice, she and her mom could make a single X together with a thick marker. Then Maddie could put glue on it and sprinkle it with glitter. Another option—make a connect-the-dots X for Maddie to finish.

Losin' It

Connor Gouge, 5, of Holly Springs, NC, totally digs playing the card game UNO—until someone beats him. “He can get sad or sometimes even have a tantrum,” notes his mom, Irene. That's a scenario many parents know well.

From hot mess to success: Gouge never stacks the deck in Connor's favor. Instead, before she deals the cards, she strikes a deal: “I say we'll play three games no matter who wins or loses, as long as there's no whining. If he whines after losing a round, then it ends all play and we try again after a fifteen-minute cooldown. I tell him ‘I love playing with you and spending time together. If you win, I'm happy, and if I win, I'm happy. It's just for fun!’”

Extra tips from the experts: It's fine to halt the play due to tantrums. Just don't tell your child not to have one: “At this young age, they simply don't quite have the coping skills. They give really strong, honest, emotional reactions,” says Briggs. And while rigging games isn't cool, consider giving little kids a few extra points at the outset, or the occasional do-over, if there's no way they could win in a fair match, recommends Leff. She also suggests not picking up with the same game after a tantrum. Instead, try a different, non-competitive activity, such as coloring.

“At the end of playing UNO, as long as Connor's at all able to, we always shake hands and tell each other ‘Good game,’” adds Gouge. Good sportsmanship is something that never fails to help a child—or adult—in the long run.

parenting article- learning from failure

discipline

I haven't been to the post office since "the incident." I was that wild-eyed woman with a screaming child, slowly working my way up the line as one customer after another let me go ahead. Turns out my desperate attempts to comfort my kid were the result of a rookie error. The tantrum came from an oversight I made earlier that day: failing to notice the signals (eye-rubbing and crankiness) that he was tired. No wonder he had a meltdown.

I'm hardly alone in missing my child's cues, says Parents advisor Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. According to her, there are patterns to behavior. Kids do the same things when they're tired, hungry, or getting fed up; it's up to adults to take note and adjust accordingly. My son's moodiness should have told me to let him nap, then run errands when he was ready.

Ignoring a kid's signs is one of many discipline mistakes parents make all the time, but fixing them can make a huge difference in the parenting experience. We asked the experts to reveal the most common missteps.

We're too negative.

"Don't hit your sister!" "Stop pulling the dog's tail!" The number of things you tell your toddler or preschooler not to do is endless.

THE FIX Ask for the behavior you want to see. Nobody wants to raise a child who doesn't understand limits, but "parents say 'no' so frequently that kids become deaf to it -- and the word loses its power," Dr. Borba explains. Moreover, "we often tell kids not to do something without letting them know what they should be doing," notes Linda Sonna, Ph.D., author of The Everything Toddler Book. So save the naysaying for truly dangerous situations (think: fork in the electrical socket or your child eating the spider plant), and focus on telling kids how you would like them to behave. For example, instead of, "No standing in the bathtub!" try, "We sit down in the bathtub because it's slippery." Later, when you notice your kid splashing away in a seated position, offer some praise ("I like how you're sitting!") to reinforce her good behavior.

We expect too much from our kids.

You're sitting in church when your toddler shouts. As soon as you shush him, he does it again. Mortifying! Why doesn't he listen?

THE FIX Play teacher. Very young children still haven't developed impulse control or learned the social graces required in public places like stores and restaurants. "Parents assume kids know more than they do," Dr. Sonna says.

When your child breaks a norm, remind yourself that he isn't trying to be a pain -- he just doesn't know how to act in the situation, so snapping isn't effective (or fair). Focus on showing your child how you want him to behave, softly saying things like, "I'm being quiet because I'm in church, but if I need something from Dad I lean in close to whisper." Also point out what others are doing ("Look how Charlie is coloring while he waits for his meal to arrive"). Kids are born mimics, so modeling or drawing attention to something we want them to do goes a long way.

"It takes time and repetition for kids to learn to handle themselves," Dr. Sonna says, which means you should expect to give your kid a lot of reminders -- and remove him when he doesn't get the message. Over time, he'll learn how to act.

We model behavior we don't want to see.

When you drop something, you yell. A man cuts you off and you call him a rude name. But then you get mad if your kid reacts the same way when things don't go her way.

THE FIX Apologize and take a do-over. There's a boomerang effect to behavior: If we yell, our kids probably will too, says Devra Renner, coauthor of Mommy Guilt. Yes, it's hard to be on perfect behavior around the clock, so apologize when you do slip up. "Emotions are powerful and difficult to control, even for grown-ups," Renner notes, but saying "sorry" demonstrates that we're accountable for our actions nonetheless.

It also creates the chance to talk about why you reacted the way you did and offers appropriate ways to respond when you're feeling frustrated. That's what Deena Blumenfeld, of Pittsburgh, did when her son Owen, 5, protested so much about getting dressed that she snapped, "Just shut up and get dressed!" Realizing this was not how she'd want her son to react in a similar situation, she knelt down, apologized, then talked about how important it is to be on time for school. It worked: Owen got ready for school calmly after that.

We intervene when our kids simply annoy us.

You hear your children chasing each other around the house and immediately shout.

THE FIX Ignore selectively. Often, parents feel the need to step in every time kids do something, well, kid-like. But always being the bad guy is exhausting, Dr. Borba notes. Keep in mind that children sometimes do things that are irksome because they're exploring new skills. (So your toddler could be dumping juice into his cereal because he's learning about liquids.) Other times, they're seeking attention. When it comes to reacting, Dr. Borba's rule of thumb is: When safety isn't an issue, try watchful waiting. If your 6-year-old is playing his recorder with his nose, try not to shout. See what happens if you just continue with what you're doing as if nothing is happening. Most likely, if you don't respond, he will eventually stop -- and you'll feel calmer, having avoided a shouting match.

We're all talk and no action.

"Turn off the TV... I'm serious this time... Really!" Your kids continue bad behavior when warnings are vague for the same reason you run yellow lights -- there aren't consequences.

THE FIX Set limits and follow through. Nagging, second chances, and negotiation all convey that cooperation is optional, says Robert MacKenzie, Ph.D., author of Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child. To teach kids to follow rules, make expectations clear, then take action when they're broken. If you want your kid to, say, get off the couch and do homework, start with respectful directives ("Please turn off the TV now and do your work"). If she follows through, thank her. If not, give a consequence: "I'm turning off the TV now. Until your work is finished, your TV privileges are suspended."

We use time-out ineffectively.

When you send your 3-year-old to his room after he hits his brother, he starts banging his head on the floor in rage.

THE FIX Consider a time-in. A time-out is meant to be a chance for a child to calm down, not a punishment. Some kids respond well to the suggestion that they go to a quiet room until they're chill. But others view it as a rejection, and it riles them up. Plus, it doesn't teach kids how you want them to behave. As an alternative, Dr. Sonna suggests taking a "time-in," where you sit quietly with your kid. If he's very upset, hold him to get him settled down, Dr. Sonna adds. Once he's relaxed, calmly explain why the behavior wasn't okay. Too angry to comfort him? Put yourself in time-out; once you've relaxed, discuss what you would like your child to do differently. You might start by saying: "What can you do instead of hitting when Milo grabs your train?"

We assume what works for one kid will work for another.

The best way to deal with your son's whining is to get down at eye level and explain how his actions need to change. But your daughter is more aggressive and refuses to listen.

THE FIX Develop a diverse toolbox. It's easy to blame your kid when a discipline technique fails. But "you may have to go about getting the behavior you want in different ways with each kid," notes Avivia Pflock, coauthor of Mommy Guilt. While one might respond to a verbal reminder about what is acceptable, the other might need a consequence when she acts up -- like having her Wii unplugged. Being firm with one child and touchy-feely with another isn't being inconsistent; it's tuning in to different needs and learning styles, Pflock assures. "The punishment should fit the crime -- and the kid."

Originally published in the August 2011 issue of Parents magazine.

7 discipline mistakes all moms make

Forgiveness isn't always helpful

This is a great segment on forgiveness and when to just call it a day.
NPR Forgiveness isn't all it's cracked up to be

When praising backfires

The Curse of Praise

I thought this was a great article. It is something that we are taught to practice in classrooms and now it is time to transition that into the home. I think it's a great read.

By Amy Hackworth. Image by Pewari.

“You’re so smart!” “You’re such a good girl!” “Wow, you’re amazing!”

If we say these things to our children, it’s always with the best intentions. But ohhh, our good intentions and their unintended consequences.

Psychologist Carol Dweck and her colleagues recently published research that documents the effects of person praise — things like “you’re smart, great, amazing” — and how we’re not doing our children much of a favor by touting their overall awesomeness.

When compared to children who receive process praise­­ — praise for their actions or efforts — children who receive person praise are less likely to engage in and prefer challenge as they grow older.

“’You’re great, you’re amazing’ — that is not helpful,” Dweck said. “Because later on, when they don’t get it right or don’t do it perfectly, they’ll think they aren’t so great or amazing.” 

And if they aren’t great or amazing anymore, the alternative looks pretty bleak. Children who believe their awesomeness depends on continual awesomeness find little room for mistakes, and risks become particularly dangerous. With the weight of a label — amazing, smart, awesome — to manage, children are less likely to focus on the success or value of their efforts, or to engage in challenging work that could jeopardize that label.

A related study (links to a PDF) suggests that rather than praise intelligence, educators “wax enthusiastic about students’ strategies” with sincere, specific and deserved praise. While all of this research fascinates me, this might be the most compelling finding, and one of the greatest gifts we can give our children: when we focus on strategies — children’s hard work, creative thinking, problem solving and effort — rather than their general brilliance, children learn to see intelligence as something they control, and they develop a belief in their power over other behaviors, too.

So of course I still believe that my kids are particularly smart, terribly clever, and all-around beautiful, but I’ll be much more careful about how I share it with them.

Will this research change how you talk to your kids, or do you already wax enthusiastic about your children’s strategies? As a child, were you person-praised or process-praised? As a parent, which comes more naturally to you?

P.S. I highly recommend reading the PDF detailing another of Carol Dweck’s studies of praise and performance in 5th graders. Kids who were praised for their intelligence on an easy puzzle challenge later performed poorly on a more difficult challenge, while kids who were praised for their hard work on the initial challenge performed better on the difficult challenge and reported enjoying it. And there’s so much more! It’s a fascinating read.

http://www.designmom.com/2013/02/the-curse-of-praise/

3 things you should never do for your child

Good advice for the future....

As parents, we only want the best for our children. But sometimes our judgment is clouded, and our actions can actually impede our kids' progress. By nature, we want to see our children succeed, even if it means giving them a gentle nudge. Unfortunately for some parents, that nudge often turns into a huge push, and before we know it, we're actually doing things for our children that they should be doing for themselves.

Admit it. We've all been there. You see that sweet little face struggling to tie his shoe, write a Pulitzer-worthy paragraph or even make his bed. When you sense his frustration, your maternal instinct kicks into high gear, and the next thing you know, you're doing the deed for him. Your intentions may be good, but the end results are not.
You've essentially become the dreaded helicopter parent, a mom or dad who gives eagle-eye attention to every aspect of the child's life. From report cards to recreational activities, you're the gatekeeper of your child's affairs. You exact precise oversight in everything he does do to ensure that there is nothing holding him back.

The term "helicopter parent" was actually coined in the 1990 self-help guide Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility. It's frequently used to describe those parents who sweep in to rescue their children from the perils of higher education. For some, it's hard to believe that parents would actually appeal to a college professor on behalf of their young adult offspring, but it shouldn't come as much of a surprise.
This trend begins long before teens ever don their cap and gown and head off to college. It's a behavior that we as adults begin even in the earliest stages of parenting. However, helicopter parenting can have some serious implications on our children. While it might seem like we are doing our children a favor at the time, that couldn't be further from the truth. What we're essentially creating are children who are reliant on us for everything.

Parenting expert and educational psychologist Michele Borba addresses the trend of helicopter parenting on her personal Web site, www.micheleborba.com. On her blog, the author of No More Misbehavin' and Don't Give Me That Attitude points out that children will continue to sink if you don't teach them to swim. Dr. Borba writes, "Look down the road at the big picture. If you keep on with any hovering behavior now, how will your kids turn out later? Every once in a while, we need to fast forward your parenting and think ahead.

"It just may help that you alter you current response with your kids. And here's a big reason why: Researchers are seeing this phenomenon of "parental hovering" (aka micro-managing, overparenting or helicoptering) as a dangerous trend when it comes to how our kids turn out. The long and the short is: If we keep the hovering we'll rob our kids of an essential trait for L.I.F.E. called self-reliance!"
And Dr. Borba is definitely onto something. The ramifications of helicopter parenting are far reaching. Take a recent poll conducted by Harris Interactive for the National Endowment for Financial Education. It showed that 40 percent of American adults aged 18-39 reside at home or have done so in the recent past. That figure also excludes students.Even more disturbing is the fact that 26 percent of parents with adult children living at home have incurred their own debt to support these adult children, with 7 percent delaying retirement.
While it may seem like a giant leap to take, the point is it's never too early to teach your children to be independent. You want your children to be able to stand on their own two feet so they can make the transition from impressionable children to responsible adults.



Here are three things you should never do for your children:
1. Homework - How many times have you watched parents do their children's homework for them? One minute you're shaking your head in disgust and the next minute you're holding a #2 pencil in your hand writing an essay on the French revolution. Face it. It's easy to get sucked in by your child.
Those frustrating cries of "I can't do it!" can weaken even the most steadfast parent. Sometimes it seems far easier just to do the work for your child. But before you give in, stop, look and listen hard. Your child first should attempt to the work on his own.
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If he is genuinely confused about the subject at hand, take a moment to look over the questions. Ask your child what he thinks the questions mean. If possible, show examples of how to solve the problem. Avoid doing the actual problem for your child. Once you feel like he has a grasp on the subject matter, send him back to his desk to finish the work.

Do not sit over him while he is doing his homework, as he will be inclined to ask for further assistance repeatedly. After all of the work is completed, glance over the assignment for any glaring errors. When you find mistakes, have your child redo the problems until they are correct. While it's fine to show examples, brainstorm and encourage, do not -- and we repeat -- do not do the work for him. Doing reports, projects and homework independently will actually increase your child's self-confidence and self esteem. Nothing compares to the sense of accomplishment your child will have knowing that he earned that "A" on his own.
2. Speak for them - It's far too easy to put words in your child's mouth. Children are works in progress. As they get older, they come into their own.However, being a child can often be intimidating. Children are often insecure and, at times, unable to properly express themselves. In many cases, he may expect you to be his spokesperson.Whether it's asking a neighborhood child to play or requesting a cup of water at a restaurant, always encourage your child to use his voice.

It might be just as easy for you to do your child's bidding, but how will he ever gain self- confidence if he never has to speak for himself? Oftentimes, we feel compelled to speak on our child's behalf. For example, in school your child might have issues with a fellow student. If the situation puts your child in danger, it's understandable that you would get involved. However, if things haven't escalated, encourage your child to work things out on his own. It's fine to make suggestions of things he might say to smooth things over and resolve the conflict. However, try not to take things into your own hands unless it's an absolute necessity.
Keep this important rule of thumb in mind when you are also among a group of people. When your child is asked a question, it might be instinctive to respond for him. Don't. Give your child a chance to speak for himself. Over time, you will notice him becoming more and more confident in the way he expresses himself. Remember, practice makes perfect.
3. Choose their friends - This one is a real doozy. It's only natural to want to pick your child's friends - whether it's the sweet little boy from Sunday school or that adorable girl from the playground. In your mind, you think you know what - and who - is best for your child. And you probably do. But this is one of those lessons your child needs to learn on his own. While you will probably be responsible for fostering many of their friendships through play dates in the early years, your child will be more and more inclined to choose his own pals as he gets older. This is one of those cases when you should go with the flow.

Just because you might be friends with someone doesn't necessarily mean your child when be friends with that person's child. First and foremost, don't force it. Your child will only resent you in the end if you make him spend time with someone he doesn't particularly care for. There's nothing wrong with introducing him to new faces. However, let him take the lead when it comes to building lasting friendships.
At the same time, you still have a responsibility to ensure that your child is playing with kids who have similar values. In other words, you probably want to prevent your children from hanging out with kids who swear, steal, misbehave and have other habits you don't want your own child picking up. Always be aware of who your child is hanging around.
At the end of the day, what you don't do for your children is every bit as important as what you do. Sometimes a more hands-off approach actually will benefit your child.

http://www.mydailymoment.com/moms/parenting/3_things_you_should_never_do_for_your_kids.php?utm_source=DHTMLoutbrainmoms&utm_medium=outbrain&utm_term=&utm_content=&utm_campaign=MOMSoutbrain

Tips for successful potty training

Rosie to the Rescue: “My Tips for Successful Potty Training”

January 17, 2013 at 4:45 pm , by GoodyBlog

Check out blog posts by Rosie Pope, star of Bravo’s “Pregnant in Heels,” every week at Parents.com! 

With New Year’s resolutions made, perhaps even broken and re-made, you might be thinking about some for your kids. Perhaps one is that milestone of all milestones: to potty train!

Before you start to fret that your little girl or boy will never get there, just ask yourself: Have you ever seen someone walk down the aisle, wedding dress or tux-clad, in a diaper? The point is, your wee one will eventually be potty trained and while you can push him (or her) to do it early, it is far better and easier to wait until he’s ready. And, I promise, it will happen way before he gets married!

In order to tell whether your wee one is ready, check for these signs:

*Able to pull pants up and down
*Tells you when he has a dirty diaper, and has words for pee and poop.
*Can sit quietly for 2-5 minutes–and therefore has a chance of staying on the potty long enough
*Shows interest in the bathroom
*Able to follow basic directions
*Is in the age range of 18 months to 3 1/2 years old
*There are no other big changes happening for your child, like starting school, recovering from illness, moving into a toddler bed, etc.

If you think your child is ready then you also have to make sure you’re ready. So:

*Are you able to be at home for two full days?
*Is there anything else going on that will make it hard for you to focus on this and be positive and upbeat? It can take a lot of patience.

If you are feeling like now is the time and all these items are checked, then I say go for it, making sure to keep an incredibly proud and positive attitude and never letting your wee one feel disappointed or embarrassed if he has an accident.

These pointers should help you reach your goal:

*Watch some potty-related DVDs, or read some bathroom related stories.
*Make sure to push modesty aside and show your child how the whole process works. Make a point of buying “big-kid” underwear as something really special.
*Consider a sticker chart and reward system, although many children will feel rewarded in the success of being able to use the toilet independently. However, if a little extra incentive is needed, that’s okay too.
*Make sure you return to the potty every 30 to 60 minutes for those first two days until your child gets the hang of it.
*When potty training, tackle daytime dryness first, and use pull-ups at night.
*If your child isn’t sure where to stand or sit, you can buy a special potty or training seat. For boys, draw around their feet on a box by the toilet, so they know where to stand.
*Make sure to always go with your child to the bathroom, and keep the atmosphere relaxed.

With all these tools you’ll be sure to get there and before you know it, you’ll hear the sound of the flush and you’ll realize your little one just went to the potty and didn’t even tell you! I cried the first time this happened. I know: totally crazy, but it made me feel like the next step was college. I was getting a little ahead of myself….